Loaves, fish and storage units

I recently had a moment straight out of the New Testament. I'm talking Jesus' ministry at it's finest...ok, maybe that's a bit overboard. It was really more like an "I told you so" kind of moment, only it was God saying it, so it sounded more like "Just trust me, please."

A little over a week ago I finished up my sophomore year of college. (I'm half way through, God willing. How crazy is that?) Anyways, as exciting as finishing up another year is, there was one thing looming after the completion of finals.

Moving.

Packing and moving is just awful. Can I get an Amen?

Well, in preparation for the dreaded event, my sweet daddy arranged for a storage unit in Belton so that I would not have to lug an apartment full of furniture all the way home and then back again in the fall. All there was to do was get it all in the unit. Simple enough, right?

Not so much. Thanks to me and my worrying, anyways.

After driving three hours to come help with the move, my dad went with me to inspect the unit and see what we were workin with. When the door rolled up on our space, the first thought in my mind was "Where's the rest of it?" Once I finally came to the revelation that there was no trap door anywhere waiting to reveal more room, I started to freak out a little...ok, maybe a lot. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to do that.

Luckily for me, my dad is the most calm and optimistic person I know. He's a saint, really.

Immidiately I started worrying about what we were gooing to do when it didn't all fit, and where all the rest of the stuff was gonna go. (In my defence, we had two sofas, about 5 tables and whole lot of other stuff going in a 5 X 10 unit. That's tiny, people. TINY!) I thought the worst. My dad on the other hand, never questioned. He just knew it would be enough room.

At some point in the midst of my frivolous banter, sweet Leah reminded me of the loaves and fish story. At the time I was still unconvinced, and a little annoyed that she too was blind to the horrific situation we were in.

About two hours, a herd of helpful college boys and several truck fulls of stuff later, it was all in the unit. All of it plus some. And with room to spare.

Oh, me of little faith. Just when will I learn? In the big and the small, God always provides. He provides more than enough. Beyond what we ask or imagine.

I know it's a small example, but for me it was a great reminder of how in control He is, and how much I often doubt and worry when I should just shut up and trust Him. I am a self professing chronic worrier. Right now, I could list half a dozen things that I am stressing over, thinking they won't work out. So many times I come up on a situation and it seems impossible to me. But, the thing is, God has never not provided. Not once.

And, luckily for me, He is always patient with my old worrying self. And, he gave me a pretty darn patient daddy to remind me when I forget.

Mansion? Apartment? Shack? House? Major? Career?

Remember that old game M.A.S.H. that we used to play as kids? Well, if you ever owned an NSYNC or Aaron Carter CD, wore doc martens, or planned your weekend around TGIF and One Saturday Morning then I'm sure you played it at least a time or two. And most likely way more than that. Probably an unhealthy amount. If you're being honest.

For some reason (boredom) I randomly thought of that little childhood gem today while sitting through my philosophy class (what is thought? what is sitting? what is philosophy?), and I started wondering. Why can't making decisions be as easy as that anymore? Why can't we just rip out a piece of paper from an old spiral notebook, write out all the options and scratch off all the ones that don't make the cut until we're just left with one. When did everything become so much more complicated than that?

Sometimes I think college is just four years (God willing) of nothing but confusion. Back in elementary school the biggest decision we had to make was whether to choose chicken nuggets or a corn dog in the cafeteria. Basically every part of our lives was planned and orchestrated by someone else. Now I'd give anything to have my parents here on a daily basis just to pick my clothes out every morning and remind me to do my homework. What bliss.

Quite a few times while playing M.A.S.H. the odds did not fall in my favor. I ended up "marrying" the awkward kid from English class who ate chapstick and having twenty-seven hampsters for pets. But you know, if only those big life decisions were as simple as that, I'd gladly end up in the shack. Just as long as I didn't have to go through the process of figuring it all out.

Flashy Rhetoric

A few months ago I stumbled upon a CS Lewis poem that really resonated with me. I just found it saved on my computer and found it post worthy. We really are selfish beings. Myself especially.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:

I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making

My heart into a bridge by which I might get back

From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains

You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Drowning in the Desert

I think I'm starting to understand just a little bit how the Israelites must have felt out in that desert for 40 years. I had never really stopped to think about how long that is before. I mean, I can't stand to be anywhere for very long. I was stuck in traffic yesterday for just over five hours, and I thought I was gonna lose it. An hour in class feels like eternity. Standing in line for more than three minutes is almost unbearable. And waiting through the previews before a movie, forget about it. The point is I'm impatient. Being somewhere longer than the amount of time I planned on being there is miserable.

This semester has felt like nothing but walking through an expanse of wilderness so vast that I can't even imagine anything else anymore. I feel like I've been here in this desert for so long that I can't remember what the mountaintops feel like. I look in front of me and see desert. I look behind me and it's there too. It's above me and below me and on every side. Man, 40 years must have seemed like an eternity.

But here's what I'm learning. Maybe I've been so focused on finding my way out of the desert that I have not realized that there's a purpose for being here. This is where God is teaching me the most. This is where He is disciplining me. The desert is where we grow the most. It's where we are so thirsty and tired of walking and desperate that we have no choice but to rely on God to provide that next drink and the strength for that next step. It's where we learn to trust him and to depend on him for everything.

Maybe the desert is just life. And maybe those mountaintop experiences are just the oases along the way.

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. " -Deuteronomy 8:2-5

Weary friends who find yourselves also walking through the desert, take heart. God is very much walking there with you. I find comfort in knowing He's here with me.

Hopefully by tomorrow the excitement will outway the fear

It looks like tomorrow is the big day.

I can't believe summer is over already. I wonder when I got to this place in life where 3 months feels more like 3 weeks. I guess this is what our parents are always telling us about. Man, I feel so old saying that, but it's true.

A big part of me is so excited to go back it's almost unbarable. I can't wait to see everyone and get moved into the apartment, and get back to UMHB life. I have truly missed it. But, then there's the inevitable sadness of leaving home. No matter how many times I do it, it gets me every time. I feel like I'm in constant limbo between wanting to be here and there at the same time. I guess thats just what I have to look forward to from now on.

Growing up kinda sucks sometimes.

Aside from the sadness there is also the fear that comes with change. Luckily, a lot of the anxieties from last year aren't there. I now know people, and kind of what to expect from college life.

I guess what scares me most is that when I'm here at home it's so much easier to center myself, to focus on God first and see things clearly. I don't want to get so wrapped up in school and what not that I lose that focus. God is definately continuing the work that He started in me, and I don't want to forget that once I'm back in Belton. I know there is opportunity to grow immensely there. I feel God telling me that now is the time to allow Him to really move and make changes in my life, and to show me new things. I trust Him to do that. The problem is, I don't know if I trust myself to let Him.

It's nice to know, that at the end of the day, it's HIM who started a good work in me, and HIM who will be faithful to complete it. For once, complete lack of control is comforting, not scary.

Philippians 1:6




Well girls, this is it. We made it through the summer. Thanks for sharing a little of what's been goin on in your lives these last few months. (especially you, Delaine. your posts have been inspiring :D haha!!) I can't wait to start this semester with you guys. I just know it's gonna be da besst!!! Love yall :)

"Wide Open Spaces"

Girls girls girls, man how I miss yall!

Crazy things are going on with our wireless internet, so I am currently sitting outside in our driveway typing this because its the only place I can get connection. Do watcha gotta do I guess. Plus its a pretty stinkin beautiful day. Wish I could sit out here forever. Big blue skies, white fluffy clouds, freshly mowed grass (thanks, Dad), and the lovely melodies of my iPod filling my ears. All while enjoying a day off of work. Couldn't ask for much more.

Anyways, there's really not a whole lot new and exciting going on in my life, but I felt like a slacker. A blogging slacker.

Things are good though. I'm learning to be less selfish, and more content, to worry less and pray more. Its funny though, because in the process of teaching me new things, God is having to unteach me some things too. That probably doesn't make much sense, but be sure that I'll tell you all about it in person just as soon as I can.

Did I mention that I miss you guys? Six more weeks. Crazy.

Love yall!!!

"what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do"

I am currently reading the book “Blue Like Jazz”. I haven’t finished yet, but be sure that once I do, a lengthy post will follow. All I will say for now is that it is basically a lot of what I have been feeling for a while now, put into words. It is real and honest. I believe in God, deeply, and I know that I know Jesus, but I think that somewhere along the way I started turning God into something that He’s not. My spirituality is in so many ways, very fake. And, very selfish. In light of the truths God is teaching me through the book, I am learning that I need to start being more honest, and stop hiding behind religion and dogma.

So, here is something honest.

I have never bought cigarettes for my mom. She smokes. I have always looked at it as this awful and godless thing, so even though she has asked me, and I’ve been legally able for a while now, I have never bought them for her. I told myself that if I were to purchase them that it would somehow be encouraging her sin, or worse, that the sin would somehow rub off on me. I was convinced that doing it would somehow be “unchristian”.

That’s not true though. Really, it just made me feel more godly to not do it because it made me feel better than her since I didn’t do it. It was another sin I could cross off my list, something I could pat myself on the back for not doing. And, to tell you the truth, I care a lot about what other people think. If I bought cigarettes, what would the cashier think of me, or the person behind me in line?

My dad always goes to buy them. Anytime she asks, day or night, he goes. And, he does it with a smile. He is one of the godliest men I have ever known. He has a true servant’s heart. He doesn’t like smoking either, but when she asks, he does it.

Honestly, this doesn’t make either my dad or I any holier than the other. But, it gets me thinking. Am I really showing my mom Christ’s love by being pious and legalistic?

Am I showing anybody Christ's love by being pious and legalistic?

“The truth is we are supposed to love the hippies, the liberals and even the Democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of Jesus.” -Donald Miller, “Blue Like Jazz”