Back to Plan A

Just a disclaimer before you start reading this one, it’s kind of a jumble of thoughts all diverging into one. Sorry if it’s all over the place. I guess that’s just sort of how my brain has been as of late.

As previously stated on this here blog, before I got older and things got complicated, my dream was to be a writer. In light of my recent search for purpose and direction, part of my prayer has been that God would show me what my passion is. Well, as He tends to do, He kind of threw me a curve ball.

Turns out, I am passionate about writing. Go figure.

Now, like most people (especially teenage girls) I have always felt slightly inadequate. Honestly, I still struggle with this quite a bit. I feel very average in every way, (except when it comes to the bad stuff, like being super clumsy and pale and awkward ). I have never been the prettiest or most talented or the best at anything. It has always felt to me like everyone else got blessed with being great at something, while I’m just always ok. I’m not saying all of this to gain sympathy or pity, and truthfully, it’s hard to even admit. I tend to put on a confident exterior, because in my pride, I don’t want others to see these insecurities. But, part of what God has been teaching me lately is that it’s not about the way I look, or how well I perform at anything. Though I often feel less than adequate in the world’s eyes, I am blessed to serve a creator who does not place value on the things that man does. My value is not based on whether or not I feel pretty, how my grades are, or if I’m a standout at anything. Luckily for me, God has chosen the lesser things of this earth to serve Him, and equally as amazing, to Him, I am far more than average. For whatever reason, He is enthralled with my beauty, and desires a relationship with me. Sometimes the realization of this just blows my mind. I see my humanity, and I cannot fathom why such a Holy God would love me, but I am so thankful that He does.

So, now that I have chased that bunny trail, bare with me, it all ties in…sort of…I hope.

Basically, writing is the only thing I’ve ever felt that I was actually good at. Like most kids, I tried just about everything growing up. I played soccer, softball and basketball, only to find that I have the coordination of a rock. I did ballet, tap and jazz for several years, but at some point I just could not take having to wear those leotards anymore. I even took piano lessons and did some summer theater programs, and while I personally feel that I did a dashingly good job tapping out “Up on the Housetop” on the old ivories, and playing Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz”, long story short, none of those things proved to be my niche. But, from very early on, I loved to write. When I sit down with a pen and paper, or my laptop, all my insecurities don’t matter. I can take whatever I am thinking or feeling, and turn it into whatever I want it to be.

It all seems simple enough, and you’re probably wondering what the complication is. If I love writing, then why am I struggling so much to figure out what I should do with my life? Well, it’s a lot of things really. I think part of it is that I also feel called to ministry. When I first felt this call as a freshman in high school, I guess I thought that meant I had to abandon all the other things that I wanted to do in order to fully serve the Lord. What I’m seeing now is that God gives us gifts and passions so that He can use them to serve Him.

I totally have no clue how God wants to use writing as a part of my ministry, but that’s ok. I’m also learning that trusting God is not about knowing the details. It’s about faithfully taking each step as God directs. I signed up for the introduction to journalism class this coming semester, and I am more excited than I have been to take any class so far (except for maybe clogging hahahaha…Leah, Birdy and Delaine, get ready!!!) Like I said, I don’t know what God’s got planned, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am one step in the right direction.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” -1 Peter 3:3-4

“My primary concern should not be, what should I do with my life tomorrow? But, what does God want me to do today?” –Henry Blackaby, "Experiencing God"

Trading My Plastic in for Pearls

Heard a story once about a girl who had a strand of plastic pearls that her parents had given her. She loved the necklace so much that she never took it off, even when she went to bed at night. You could ne sure that wherever you found her, the beads would be fastened around her neck. One night while tucking the little girl in, her father asked her, "Do you love me?". She replied quickly that of course she did. Then, he reached out his open palm, and asked his daughter to hand him the beloved necklace. She immediately refused, asking him why and telling him that she loved it too much. So, he kissed her on the cheek, told her that he loved her, and said goodnight. This went on each night for several weeks. Finally, one evening when he asked, the little girl, teary eyed, unfastened the beads and with a shaky hand reached out and placed them into the hand of her father. Her daddy then reached into his pocket with his other hand and pulled out another strand of beads, and gave them to his daughter. But, unlike those the girl had worn before, these pearls were not made of plastic, they were real.

I wonder how many things I'm gripping onto so tightly that God is asking me to give up in exchange for something better. How often do I settle for good when God is just waiting to give me great? Many times, even now, my dreams, desires and relatrionships are second rate to what God could fill my life with if only I would lay them down and allow Him to do it.

A friend of mine gave me a mix CD a few years ago with a BarlowGirl (kinda gay, I know) song on it called "Surrender". At that time in my life I was struggling to give some things over to the Lord that I knew He was asking me to lay at His feet, including a relationship I was in and some plans that I had made. They weren't bad, but they were far from God's best for my life. I remember listening to the lyrics of the song, and realizing how unwilling I often am to truly surrender my whole life to Him. Why is it that I am so afraid to trust Him with everything when time and time again He has proven Himself faithful? That song popped into my head not long ago for the first time in a long time. I think I need to be reminded of the meaning of those lyrics again now in my life.

Looking back at the story, knowing there are things at this very moment that I am struggling to surrender, I find hope in in how just like the little girl's father, our heavenly Father is so very patient with us. He does not force us to relinquish control, but gently asks until we are ready. It amazes me that even in my stubborness, once I finally do give my life over to Him, He is so ready to take the scraps of my brokenness, and instead give me the glory of His perfection.



"Surrender"

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will you take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"

A couple of days ago, my best friends from college (and future roomies...SO EXCITED!!!) and I decided that we needed a way to stay connected over the summer, as we will all be in different places, embarking on different journeys for 3 months. We considered making ourselves the second Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but were unable to get our hands on a pair of magic jeans...So, instead, we are settling for following one anothers blogs to keep up with what's going on in each others lives.

Leah, Birdy and Delaine, this post and all those following it this summer are dedicated to you guys (Leah, the title is for you)...I already miss yall an INSANE amount. Last year before going to school, I was terrified of leaving home, but in just a few short months I grew to love Belton, and you guys became some of the best friends I've ever had. Yesterday when I left UMHB, it was like leaving home all over again. I cannot imagine not being there with yall everyday. But, I am excited to see how each of your summers unfold. I am looking forward to reading about what God is doing in your lives, and in turn, sharing my heart with you. I love yall, and can't wait until the bunnies are united again. We are gonna have the craziest dance parties UMHB has ever seen!!!

So, here you go girls, the first of many...


Summer: the land of endless sunshine, sleeping in late, and complete lack of responsibility. It's that 3 month stretch that you look forward to in the dead of winter when you're waking up early for class every day and trying to get through finals. It's what gets us through the long months of school, reminding us that no matter how crazy things get, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, at the risk of sounding insane, I have a confession to make. I have been DREADING this summer.

Back in the fall when I first started imagining what these next few months would be like, I saw myself embarking on an amazing adventure on the foreign mission field. I imagined being immersed in another culture, speaking a foreign language, serving people and spreading the Gospel. Instead, I woke up today in Decatur, Tx. I slept in til noon, and then spent the next several hours watching back-to-back episodes of 16 and Pregnant...Not exactly the adventure I was looking for.

In the midst of being slightly depressed over what is not going to happen this summer, God has been showing me that even though I'm stuck at home, these next 3 months are still an opportunity to serve Him, and get to know Him more deeply. They may not be spent accross the world, but they are still significant. It's gonna be a process, but if there is anything God has taught me in my first year of college, it's that He is in control, and His plans and timing are perfect. So, I am trusting Him with whatever happens this summer, and praying that my eyes are open to the opportunities He brings my way.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"This is your life. Is it everything you've dreamed it would be?"

If you had asked me when I was a kid what my biggest fear was, I would have given you a list of things; spiders, tornados, needles, walking into the boys bathroom at school, etc. Once I got a little older I began to fear bigger things, like losing a loved one or serious illness. And while all of those things are still concerns (especially needles…I cry like a baby every year when I have to get a flu shot), my biggest fear now is something that truly frightens me more than any of the things that used to keep me up at night as a kid.

I am terrified of wasting my life.

Growing up you always imagine your life like what you see on tv or in the movies, or if youre lucky, like some version of the life your parents gave you. When I was in the third grade I decided that I wanted to be a writer. I was going to move to New York, attend NYU or Colombia University, and live in a swanky loft apartment where I also worked all day typing up drafts of my latest novel or magazine article on my fancy laptop…all while dressed like a model, of course. Then I would get married to some amazing guy and have two kids, a boy and a girl, both with curly blond hair (even though NOBODY in my family has blond or curly hair…minor detail). I put a lot of thought into this “dream life”, and it all sounds really great on paper. I would be financially stable, and probably really happy, but what difference would it all make? What purpose would there be in that life?

Years ago I started giving up on the dream. Somewhere along the way I visited New York and realized that I could never in a million years live there, I watched enough HGTV to realize that those fancy apartments cost more than I’ll probably make in my whole lifetime, and I finally let myself be ok with the fact that my future children will most likely be brunette. But, more significant than all that, I realized that God had more planned for me than living the “American dream”. As a kid I had put a lot of thought into the kind of life that the world tells us that we should pursue, but I am coming to see more and more, that while those things aren’t necessarily bad, they don’t have any eternal value.

So, now the question is, what am I supposed to do with my life? Its no secret to those who know me that I really have no clue. As a freshman in college I get asked at least a zillion times a week what my major is, a question to which I respond with “uhhhh…” and a blank expression. As my college experience rapidly flies by me, I fear that I am not taking full advantage of the life that God has given me. I don’t want to stand before Him at the end of my life, whether that is tomorrow or 50 years from now with nothing to show for it. I long to hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant” What Im learning, is that maybe that has nothing at all to do with a major, or even a future career. I think it has everything to do with the way I’m living my life right now.

Maybe instead of fearing that I am not living up to the potential that God has for me, I need to start living right now with everything that I have; my whole heart, mind, soul and strength. Because, if you think about it, the only way to not waste your life, is to not waste a single moment of it.