If you had asked me when I was a kid what my biggest fear was, I would have given you a list of things; spiders, tornados, needles, walking into the boys bathroom at school, etc. Once I got a little older I began to fear bigger things, like losing a loved one or serious illness. And while all of those things are still concerns (especially needles…I cry like a baby every year when I have to get a flu shot), my biggest fear now is something that truly frightens me more than any of the things that used to keep me up at night as a kid.
I am terrified of wasting my life.
Growing up you always imagine your life like what you see on tv or in the movies, or if youre lucky, like some version of the life your parents gave you. When I was in the third grade I decided that I wanted to be a writer. I was going to move to New York, attend NYU or Colombia University, and live in a swanky loft apartment where I also worked all day typing up drafts of my latest novel or magazine article on my fancy laptop…all while dressed like a model, of course. Then I would get married to some amazing guy and have two kids, a boy and a girl, both with curly blond hair (even though NOBODY in my family has blond or curly hair…minor detail). I put a lot of thought into this “dream life”, and it all sounds really great on paper. I would be financially stable, and probably really happy, but what difference would it all make? What purpose would there be in that life?
Years ago I started giving up on the dream. Somewhere along the way I visited New York and realized that I could never in a million years live there, I watched enough HGTV to realize that those fancy apartments cost more than I’ll probably make in my whole lifetime, and I finally let myself be ok with the fact that my future children will most likely be brunette. But, more significant than all that, I realized that God had more planned for me than living the “American dream”. As a kid I had put a lot of thought into the kind of life that the world tells us that we should pursue, but I am coming to see more and more, that while those things aren’t necessarily bad, they don’t have any eternal value.
So, now the question is, what am I supposed to do with my life? Its no secret to those who know me that I really have no clue. As a freshman in college I get asked at least a zillion times a week what my major is, a question to which I respond with “uhhhh…” and a blank expression. As my college experience rapidly flies by me, I fear that I am not taking full advantage of the life that God has given me. I don’t want to stand before Him at the end of my life, whether that is tomorrow or 50 years from now with nothing to show for it. I long to hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant” What Im learning, is that maybe that has nothing at all to do with a major, or even a future career. I think it has everything to do with the way I’m living my life right now.
Maybe instead of fearing that I am not living up to the potential that God has for me, I need to start living right now with everything that I have; my whole heart, mind, soul and strength. Because, if you think about it, the only way to not waste your life, is to not waste a single moment of it.
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