Just a disclaimer before you start reading this one, it’s kind of a jumble of thoughts all diverging into one. Sorry if it’s all over the place. I guess that’s just sort of how my brain has been as of late.
As previously stated on this here blog, before I got older and things got complicated, my dream was to be a writer. In light of my recent search for purpose and direction, part of my prayer has been that God would show me what my passion is. Well, as He tends to do, He kind of threw me a curve ball.
Turns out, I am passionate about writing. Go figure.
Now, like most people (especially teenage girls) I have always felt slightly inadequate. Honestly, I still struggle with this quite a bit. I feel very average in every way, (except when it comes to the bad stuff, like being super clumsy and pale and awkward ). I have never been the prettiest or most talented or the best at anything. It has always felt to me like everyone else got blessed with being great at something, while I’m just always ok. I’m not saying all of this to gain sympathy or pity, and truthfully, it’s hard to even admit. I tend to put on a confident exterior, because in my pride, I don’t want others to see these insecurities. But, part of what God has been teaching me lately is that it’s not about the way I look, or how well I perform at anything. Though I often feel less than adequate in the world’s eyes, I am blessed to serve a creator who does not place value on the things that man does. My value is not based on whether or not I feel pretty, how my grades are, or if I’m a standout at anything. Luckily for me, God has chosen the lesser things of this earth to serve Him, and equally as amazing, to Him, I am far more than average. For whatever reason, He is enthralled with my beauty, and desires a relationship with me. Sometimes the realization of this just blows my mind. I see my humanity, and I cannot fathom why such a Holy God would love me, but I am so thankful that He does.
So, now that I have chased that bunny trail, bare with me, it all ties in…sort of…I hope.
Basically, writing is the only thing I’ve ever felt that I was actually good at. Like most kids, I tried just about everything growing up. I played soccer, softball and basketball, only to find that I have the coordination of a rock. I did ballet, tap and jazz for several years, but at some point I just could not take having to wear those leotards anymore. I even took piano lessons and did some summer theater programs, and while I personally feel that I did a dashingly good job tapping out “Up on the Housetop” on the old ivories, and playing Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz”, long story short, none of those things proved to be my niche. But, from very early on, I loved to write. When I sit down with a pen and paper, or my laptop, all my insecurities don’t matter. I can take whatever I am thinking or feeling, and turn it into whatever I want it to be.
It all seems simple enough, and you’re probably wondering what the complication is. If I love writing, then why am I struggling so much to figure out what I should do with my life? Well, it’s a lot of things really. I think part of it is that I also feel called to ministry. When I first felt this call as a freshman in high school, I guess I thought that meant I had to abandon all the other things that I wanted to do in order to fully serve the Lord. What I’m seeing now is that God gives us gifts and passions so that He can use them to serve Him.
I totally have no clue how God wants to use writing as a part of my ministry, but that’s ok. I’m also learning that trusting God is not about knowing the details. It’s about faithfully taking each step as God directs. I signed up for the introduction to journalism class this coming semester, and I am more excited than I have been to take any class so far (except for maybe clogging hahahaha…Leah, Birdy and Delaine, get ready!!!) Like I said, I don’t know what God’s got planned, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am one step in the right direction.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” -1 Peter 3:3-4
“My primary concern should not be, what should I do with my life tomorrow? But, what does God want me to do today?” –Henry Blackaby, "Experiencing God"
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