Flashy Rhetoric

A few months ago I stumbled upon a CS Lewis poem that really resonated with me. I just found it saved on my computer and found it post worthy. We really are selfish beings. Myself especially.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:

I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making

My heart into a bridge by which I might get back

From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains

You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Drowning in the Desert

I think I'm starting to understand just a little bit how the Israelites must have felt out in that desert for 40 years. I had never really stopped to think about how long that is before. I mean, I can't stand to be anywhere for very long. I was stuck in traffic yesterday for just over five hours, and I thought I was gonna lose it. An hour in class feels like eternity. Standing in line for more than three minutes is almost unbearable. And waiting through the previews before a movie, forget about it. The point is I'm impatient. Being somewhere longer than the amount of time I planned on being there is miserable.

This semester has felt like nothing but walking through an expanse of wilderness so vast that I can't even imagine anything else anymore. I feel like I've been here in this desert for so long that I can't remember what the mountaintops feel like. I look in front of me and see desert. I look behind me and it's there too. It's above me and below me and on every side. Man, 40 years must have seemed like an eternity.

But here's what I'm learning. Maybe I've been so focused on finding my way out of the desert that I have not realized that there's a purpose for being here. This is where God is teaching me the most. This is where He is disciplining me. The desert is where we grow the most. It's where we are so thirsty and tired of walking and desperate that we have no choice but to rely on God to provide that next drink and the strength for that next step. It's where we learn to trust him and to depend on him for everything.

Maybe the desert is just life. And maybe those mountaintop experiences are just the oases along the way.

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. " -Deuteronomy 8:2-5

Weary friends who find yourselves also walking through the desert, take heart. God is very much walking there with you. I find comfort in knowing He's here with me.

Hopefully by tomorrow the excitement will outway the fear

It looks like tomorrow is the big day.

I can't believe summer is over already. I wonder when I got to this place in life where 3 months feels more like 3 weeks. I guess this is what our parents are always telling us about. Man, I feel so old saying that, but it's true.

A big part of me is so excited to go back it's almost unbarable. I can't wait to see everyone and get moved into the apartment, and get back to UMHB life. I have truly missed it. But, then there's the inevitable sadness of leaving home. No matter how many times I do it, it gets me every time. I feel like I'm in constant limbo between wanting to be here and there at the same time. I guess thats just what I have to look forward to from now on.

Growing up kinda sucks sometimes.

Aside from the sadness there is also the fear that comes with change. Luckily, a lot of the anxieties from last year aren't there. I now know people, and kind of what to expect from college life.

I guess what scares me most is that when I'm here at home it's so much easier to center myself, to focus on God first and see things clearly. I don't want to get so wrapped up in school and what not that I lose that focus. God is definately continuing the work that He started in me, and I don't want to forget that once I'm back in Belton. I know there is opportunity to grow immensely there. I feel God telling me that now is the time to allow Him to really move and make changes in my life, and to show me new things. I trust Him to do that. The problem is, I don't know if I trust myself to let Him.

It's nice to know, that at the end of the day, it's HIM who started a good work in me, and HIM who will be faithful to complete it. For once, complete lack of control is comforting, not scary.

Philippians 1:6




Well girls, this is it. We made it through the summer. Thanks for sharing a little of what's been goin on in your lives these last few months. (especially you, Delaine. your posts have been inspiring :D haha!!) I can't wait to start this semester with you guys. I just know it's gonna be da besst!!! Love yall :)

"Wide Open Spaces"

Girls girls girls, man how I miss yall!

Crazy things are going on with our wireless internet, so I am currently sitting outside in our driveway typing this because its the only place I can get connection. Do watcha gotta do I guess. Plus its a pretty stinkin beautiful day. Wish I could sit out here forever. Big blue skies, white fluffy clouds, freshly mowed grass (thanks, Dad), and the lovely melodies of my iPod filling my ears. All while enjoying a day off of work. Couldn't ask for much more.

Anyways, there's really not a whole lot new and exciting going on in my life, but I felt like a slacker. A blogging slacker.

Things are good though. I'm learning to be less selfish, and more content, to worry less and pray more. Its funny though, because in the process of teaching me new things, God is having to unteach me some things too. That probably doesn't make much sense, but be sure that I'll tell you all about it in person just as soon as I can.

Did I mention that I miss you guys? Six more weeks. Crazy.

Love yall!!!

"what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do"

I am currently reading the book “Blue Like Jazz”. I haven’t finished yet, but be sure that once I do, a lengthy post will follow. All I will say for now is that it is basically a lot of what I have been feeling for a while now, put into words. It is real and honest. I believe in God, deeply, and I know that I know Jesus, but I think that somewhere along the way I started turning God into something that He’s not. My spirituality is in so many ways, very fake. And, very selfish. In light of the truths God is teaching me through the book, I am learning that I need to start being more honest, and stop hiding behind religion and dogma.

So, here is something honest.

I have never bought cigarettes for my mom. She smokes. I have always looked at it as this awful and godless thing, so even though she has asked me, and I’ve been legally able for a while now, I have never bought them for her. I told myself that if I were to purchase them that it would somehow be encouraging her sin, or worse, that the sin would somehow rub off on me. I was convinced that doing it would somehow be “unchristian”.

That’s not true though. Really, it just made me feel more godly to not do it because it made me feel better than her since I didn’t do it. It was another sin I could cross off my list, something I could pat myself on the back for not doing. And, to tell you the truth, I care a lot about what other people think. If I bought cigarettes, what would the cashier think of me, or the person behind me in line?

My dad always goes to buy them. Anytime she asks, day or night, he goes. And, he does it with a smile. He is one of the godliest men I have ever known. He has a true servant’s heart. He doesn’t like smoking either, but when she asks, he does it.

Honestly, this doesn’t make either my dad or I any holier than the other. But, it gets me thinking. Am I really showing my mom Christ’s love by being pious and legalistic?

Am I showing anybody Christ's love by being pious and legalistic?

“The truth is we are supposed to love the hippies, the liberals and even the Democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of Jesus.” -Donald Miller, “Blue Like Jazz”

"I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms"

I spent my first week full-time with Nathaniel, everyday from 8 to 5 (sometimes 6 or 7). Here is somewhat of a recap of what my week was like. The following is a list of what my days consist of.

-video games

-episode after episode of iCarly (Nickelodeon must be gettin desperate cause i swear that is the only show they play on that channel)

-hotwheels

-board games

-puzzles puzzles puzzles!

-webkins.com (apparently it's the new online phenomenon amongst youngsters these days)

-the McDonalds play gym

-slip n' slide

-soccer

-using pvc pipe guns to shoot marshmallows at the dogs

-crafts

-easy-mac, poptarts, cheetos, corndogs, chicken nuggets and sno cones (he eats more than I do. I didn't know that was possible.)

-saying things like "please don't throw that ball at anything breakable," as it ricochets off a window and flies up towards the ceiling fan.

I will now leave you with an anecdote from the week.

After finishing his chicken nuggets at McDonald's, Nathaniel informed me that he was ready for dessert. The two of us went up to the counter and I asked the cashier for an ice cream cone. I looked down to see a horrified look on Nathaniel's face. When I asked what was wrong, he said, "well, that's not all I wanted!" Thinking that I must have misheard his original request, I asked again what exactly he would like. His response was, "I didn't just want a cone. I wanted ice cream on it too!"

I love 5 year olds.

A Link to the Past

WARNING: for all of you who do not believe that time travel is possible prepare to stand corrected.

Yesterday I journeyed about 20 miles outside of Decatur and about a hundred years back in time to the tiny town (if it can even be called that) of Greenwood, TX. Now, Decatur is small, but this place is like nothing you have ever seen…or heard of…literally. It’s not even large enough to deserve a population sign, however my dad and I estimate about 300 people judging from attendance at the two churches in town. There are more cows than people, and more hay bales than cows. I’m not sure there is a word in the dictionary to describe how tiny this place is. And, for everyone who makes fun of my country accent, you aint heard nothin yet. These folks speak with such a southern twang that I feel like I need a translator.

It was here that my mom grew up on a dairy farm, and where my grandmother still lives. Every year they have a lunch for all the people in town and those who grew up there. When my mom mentioned that this fun festivity was coming up the following day, I got so darn excited that I could hardly contain myself. In fact I was looking so forward to it that I drove to Greenwood and slept out on a bed made of hay under the stars so that I could be the first one there Sunday morning.

Ok, so maybe that’s not true. Actually, I didn’t even really wanna go at all, and I wasn’t going to. I mean, here I am craving adventure and travel with everything in my being, and the best I could do is Greenwood. What the heck?

But, I woke up yesterday morning and for some reason just thought “hey, why not?”

Turns out I am super glad I went. I got to meet some new people, and hang with the fam, which I don’t do nearly enough. And even though ninety percent of the people there were like four times my age and it was in the ballpark of a hundred degrees, I had a pretty awesome time. And, like God has been doing lately, He reminded me that you can find adventure anywhere.

I decided to include some photos, for your entertainment and mine, and so that you could see that when I say “small” I am actually being quite generous. So, get ready to travel back to yesteryear. Enjoy.

Cogratulations! You can now say you have seen downtown Greenwood in its entirety. Be proud.

Back to Plan A

Just a disclaimer before you start reading this one, it’s kind of a jumble of thoughts all diverging into one. Sorry if it’s all over the place. I guess that’s just sort of how my brain has been as of late.

As previously stated on this here blog, before I got older and things got complicated, my dream was to be a writer. In light of my recent search for purpose and direction, part of my prayer has been that God would show me what my passion is. Well, as He tends to do, He kind of threw me a curve ball.

Turns out, I am passionate about writing. Go figure.

Now, like most people (especially teenage girls) I have always felt slightly inadequate. Honestly, I still struggle with this quite a bit. I feel very average in every way, (except when it comes to the bad stuff, like being super clumsy and pale and awkward ). I have never been the prettiest or most talented or the best at anything. It has always felt to me like everyone else got blessed with being great at something, while I’m just always ok. I’m not saying all of this to gain sympathy or pity, and truthfully, it’s hard to even admit. I tend to put on a confident exterior, because in my pride, I don’t want others to see these insecurities. But, part of what God has been teaching me lately is that it’s not about the way I look, or how well I perform at anything. Though I often feel less than adequate in the world’s eyes, I am blessed to serve a creator who does not place value on the things that man does. My value is not based on whether or not I feel pretty, how my grades are, or if I’m a standout at anything. Luckily for me, God has chosen the lesser things of this earth to serve Him, and equally as amazing, to Him, I am far more than average. For whatever reason, He is enthralled with my beauty, and desires a relationship with me. Sometimes the realization of this just blows my mind. I see my humanity, and I cannot fathom why such a Holy God would love me, but I am so thankful that He does.

So, now that I have chased that bunny trail, bare with me, it all ties in…sort of…I hope.

Basically, writing is the only thing I’ve ever felt that I was actually good at. Like most kids, I tried just about everything growing up. I played soccer, softball and basketball, only to find that I have the coordination of a rock. I did ballet, tap and jazz for several years, but at some point I just could not take having to wear those leotards anymore. I even took piano lessons and did some summer theater programs, and while I personally feel that I did a dashingly good job tapping out “Up on the Housetop” on the old ivories, and playing Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz”, long story short, none of those things proved to be my niche. But, from very early on, I loved to write. When I sit down with a pen and paper, or my laptop, all my insecurities don’t matter. I can take whatever I am thinking or feeling, and turn it into whatever I want it to be.

It all seems simple enough, and you’re probably wondering what the complication is. If I love writing, then why am I struggling so much to figure out what I should do with my life? Well, it’s a lot of things really. I think part of it is that I also feel called to ministry. When I first felt this call as a freshman in high school, I guess I thought that meant I had to abandon all the other things that I wanted to do in order to fully serve the Lord. What I’m seeing now is that God gives us gifts and passions so that He can use them to serve Him.

I totally have no clue how God wants to use writing as a part of my ministry, but that’s ok. I’m also learning that trusting God is not about knowing the details. It’s about faithfully taking each step as God directs. I signed up for the introduction to journalism class this coming semester, and I am more excited than I have been to take any class so far (except for maybe clogging hahahaha…Leah, Birdy and Delaine, get ready!!!) Like I said, I don’t know what God’s got planned, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am one step in the right direction.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” -1 Peter 3:3-4

“My primary concern should not be, what should I do with my life tomorrow? But, what does God want me to do today?” –Henry Blackaby, "Experiencing God"

Trading My Plastic in for Pearls

Heard a story once about a girl who had a strand of plastic pearls that her parents had given her. She loved the necklace so much that she never took it off, even when she went to bed at night. You could ne sure that wherever you found her, the beads would be fastened around her neck. One night while tucking the little girl in, her father asked her, "Do you love me?". She replied quickly that of course she did. Then, he reached out his open palm, and asked his daughter to hand him the beloved necklace. She immediately refused, asking him why and telling him that she loved it too much. So, he kissed her on the cheek, told her that he loved her, and said goodnight. This went on each night for several weeks. Finally, one evening when he asked, the little girl, teary eyed, unfastened the beads and with a shaky hand reached out and placed them into the hand of her father. Her daddy then reached into his pocket with his other hand and pulled out another strand of beads, and gave them to his daughter. But, unlike those the girl had worn before, these pearls were not made of plastic, they were real.

I wonder how many things I'm gripping onto so tightly that God is asking me to give up in exchange for something better. How often do I settle for good when God is just waiting to give me great? Many times, even now, my dreams, desires and relatrionships are second rate to what God could fill my life with if only I would lay them down and allow Him to do it.

A friend of mine gave me a mix CD a few years ago with a BarlowGirl (kinda gay, I know) song on it called "Surrender". At that time in my life I was struggling to give some things over to the Lord that I knew He was asking me to lay at His feet, including a relationship I was in and some plans that I had made. They weren't bad, but they were far from God's best for my life. I remember listening to the lyrics of the song, and realizing how unwilling I often am to truly surrender my whole life to Him. Why is it that I am so afraid to trust Him with everything when time and time again He has proven Himself faithful? That song popped into my head not long ago for the first time in a long time. I think I need to be reminded of the meaning of those lyrics again now in my life.

Looking back at the story, knowing there are things at this very moment that I am struggling to surrender, I find hope in in how just like the little girl's father, our heavenly Father is so very patient with us. He does not force us to relinquish control, but gently asks until we are ready. It amazes me that even in my stubborness, once I finally do give my life over to Him, He is so ready to take the scraps of my brokenness, and instead give me the glory of His perfection.



"Surrender"

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will you take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"

A couple of days ago, my best friends from college (and future roomies...SO EXCITED!!!) and I decided that we needed a way to stay connected over the summer, as we will all be in different places, embarking on different journeys for 3 months. We considered making ourselves the second Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but were unable to get our hands on a pair of magic jeans...So, instead, we are settling for following one anothers blogs to keep up with what's going on in each others lives.

Leah, Birdy and Delaine, this post and all those following it this summer are dedicated to you guys (Leah, the title is for you)...I already miss yall an INSANE amount. Last year before going to school, I was terrified of leaving home, but in just a few short months I grew to love Belton, and you guys became some of the best friends I've ever had. Yesterday when I left UMHB, it was like leaving home all over again. I cannot imagine not being there with yall everyday. But, I am excited to see how each of your summers unfold. I am looking forward to reading about what God is doing in your lives, and in turn, sharing my heart with you. I love yall, and can't wait until the bunnies are united again. We are gonna have the craziest dance parties UMHB has ever seen!!!

So, here you go girls, the first of many...


Summer: the land of endless sunshine, sleeping in late, and complete lack of responsibility. It's that 3 month stretch that you look forward to in the dead of winter when you're waking up early for class every day and trying to get through finals. It's what gets us through the long months of school, reminding us that no matter how crazy things get, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, at the risk of sounding insane, I have a confession to make. I have been DREADING this summer.

Back in the fall when I first started imagining what these next few months would be like, I saw myself embarking on an amazing adventure on the foreign mission field. I imagined being immersed in another culture, speaking a foreign language, serving people and spreading the Gospel. Instead, I woke up today in Decatur, Tx. I slept in til noon, and then spent the next several hours watching back-to-back episodes of 16 and Pregnant...Not exactly the adventure I was looking for.

In the midst of being slightly depressed over what is not going to happen this summer, God has been showing me that even though I'm stuck at home, these next 3 months are still an opportunity to serve Him, and get to know Him more deeply. They may not be spent accross the world, but they are still significant. It's gonna be a process, but if there is anything God has taught me in my first year of college, it's that He is in control, and His plans and timing are perfect. So, I am trusting Him with whatever happens this summer, and praying that my eyes are open to the opportunities He brings my way.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"This is your life. Is it everything you've dreamed it would be?"

If you had asked me when I was a kid what my biggest fear was, I would have given you a list of things; spiders, tornados, needles, walking into the boys bathroom at school, etc. Once I got a little older I began to fear bigger things, like losing a loved one or serious illness. And while all of those things are still concerns (especially needles…I cry like a baby every year when I have to get a flu shot), my biggest fear now is something that truly frightens me more than any of the things that used to keep me up at night as a kid.

I am terrified of wasting my life.

Growing up you always imagine your life like what you see on tv or in the movies, or if youre lucky, like some version of the life your parents gave you. When I was in the third grade I decided that I wanted to be a writer. I was going to move to New York, attend NYU or Colombia University, and live in a swanky loft apartment where I also worked all day typing up drafts of my latest novel or magazine article on my fancy laptop…all while dressed like a model, of course. Then I would get married to some amazing guy and have two kids, a boy and a girl, both with curly blond hair (even though NOBODY in my family has blond or curly hair…minor detail). I put a lot of thought into this “dream life”, and it all sounds really great on paper. I would be financially stable, and probably really happy, but what difference would it all make? What purpose would there be in that life?

Years ago I started giving up on the dream. Somewhere along the way I visited New York and realized that I could never in a million years live there, I watched enough HGTV to realize that those fancy apartments cost more than I’ll probably make in my whole lifetime, and I finally let myself be ok with the fact that my future children will most likely be brunette. But, more significant than all that, I realized that God had more planned for me than living the “American dream”. As a kid I had put a lot of thought into the kind of life that the world tells us that we should pursue, but I am coming to see more and more, that while those things aren’t necessarily bad, they don’t have any eternal value.

So, now the question is, what am I supposed to do with my life? Its no secret to those who know me that I really have no clue. As a freshman in college I get asked at least a zillion times a week what my major is, a question to which I respond with “uhhhh…” and a blank expression. As my college experience rapidly flies by me, I fear that I am not taking full advantage of the life that God has given me. I don’t want to stand before Him at the end of my life, whether that is tomorrow or 50 years from now with nothing to show for it. I long to hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant” What Im learning, is that maybe that has nothing at all to do with a major, or even a future career. I think it has everything to do with the way I’m living my life right now.

Maybe instead of fearing that I am not living up to the potential that God has for me, I need to start living right now with everything that I have; my whole heart, mind, soul and strength. Because, if you think about it, the only way to not waste your life, is to not waste a single moment of it.

No, I’m Not Undecided. I’ve Just Decided That I Have No Clue What I Want To Do.

Again the time has come for me to start registering for another semester of classes at the lovely UMHB. I met with my advisor yesterday, only to experience the same anxieties that overwhelmed me last semester at about this time. I get all nervous thinking about how to tell my advisor that despite having been through a whole other semester I still have yet to decide upon a major. Then, comes having to discuss which classes I intend on taking next year. This process gets harder with each passing semester. At first it was pretty easy. All I had to do was fill my schedule with the basics, nothing degree specific, piece of cake. But, unfortunately I am quickly running out of required courses. In fact, that plan of action is not gonna cut it any more. So, where does that leave me?

I think the most frustrating part is looking around and seeing everyone else with a plan, feeling like I’m so behind in the game. They all have something to work towards, but I’m just kinda going along, waiting for God to show me what I’m supposed to do with my life. I’ve asked myself all of the questions: What am I good at? What am I passionate about? etc. etc. But, honestly I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. I don’t feel like I have any exceptional gifts or talents, and I’m not sure what my passion is in life. So, where does that leave me?

For several years now God has spoken to my heart through the book of Jeremiah. He continues to reaffirm to me that He knows the plans He has for my life. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I’m missing something. I know I’m only 19 years old, but I’m quickly approaching that time in my life where I’m gonna have to start making some big decisions, even bigger than what classes to sign up for next semester. I want to do something with purpose, something that matters. I just have no clue what that is, and no clue how to figure it out. So, where does that leave me?

I’ll be registering for classes in two days. Wish me luck.

Welp, Im starting a blog...

To tell you the truth, I find it kind of annoying whenever people start a blog and in their first post tell you about why they started a blog, but here I am, doing just that…..so let me start out by first saying im sorry for being hideously cliché and lame. My sincerest apologies.

Ive always been a constant thinker. Sometimes it honestly feels like my brain is going like a million miles an hour all day. I think about everything…all the time. It never stops. Due to a freak snowstorm (if 2 inches constitutes a snow storm) in Belton, and the grace of God, I had a lot of free time a few weeks ago. Three days in the middle of the week with no classes, and a whole lot of nothing to do, and if you’ve ever lived in Belton, Texas, you know what I mean when I say NOTHING to do.

Throughout the course of those three days I realized just how bad free time is for me. I basically sat around and thought. ALL DAY!...i thought about everything. And then rethought about it all again. I’ve lived with myself for a good 19 years now, so I should have known what this kind of idle time would do to me, but by the end of those 3 days, I was mentally exhausted. I had thought myself into a tizzy for no reason at all. And what I mostly thought about was how much I think…ironic.

I tell you all this to try to explain that the reason I have decided to try this whole blogging thing is simply to deposit all of my endless thoughts somewhere outside of my head. Usually I just journal, but I thought that maybe if I put it out into the world, even if nobody read it, It would make me feel like all of these thoughts weren’t just stock piling themselves in the far corners of my brain to collect dust. It probably wont be the most interesting things you’ve ever read, or the funniest, or most intelligent, and heck you’ll probably think I sound like a rambling idiot (which is how I feel right now), but I just feel like its time for me to release some of the junk in this brain of mine, and make room in my head for some new stuff. I’ve been considering the blog thing for a while, and I think its finally time. So, here it goes!